I Know You're Curious

Originally I didn't want this blog to be about my everyday life, and I still don't, however sometimes the two collide. So here is a little piece of me.....

I know the last six months of my life have been truly confusing to some, others are probably curious, I know some could care less, and others can't wrap their head around the madness even when they try.

To be blunt, I am utterly exhausted from answering all the questions people have, while also attempting to understand the insanity of it all. While answering all the questions I have tried to stay strong, light hearted, positive, and thankful, but I am tired of hearing myself. So, here is the story. If you ask me again what the plan is, I am going to refer you here. Just sayin.....

Just over a year ago I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (which was heartbreaking for all involved) for sometime all I wanted to do was lay in bed and cry. I had gone blind in one eye, was starting a brand new job, caring for an infant essentially alone while my husband attended school, and living in crap shoot Alabama. Sounds fun right? It's amazing that my marriage and friendships survived that time (some friendships didn't).

Because of the MS and the medication I am SUPER sensitive to the heat. I would be at work, chasing little people around, sweating my ass off, while everyone else wore coats. There were times I was so hot I had to strip down to a tank top and my jeans at work and it was the dead of winter!  (Real professional right?) And yes I know, Alabama doesn't get frigid winters but come on, a tank top in January?

As I complained to my neurologist about how hot I was all the time, Big Papa and I were  playing with the idea of moving. The two years we committed to in crap shoot Alabama were coming to an end and we wanted out! Big Papa doesn't have much longer before he can retire so we both wanted to go somewhere we might not go otherwise, Alaska. My neuro thought because of my heat sensitivity it couldn't be a bad place for me, so he wrote the United States Army a letter on mine and Big Papa's behalf. A matter of a few weeks later, and we had orders.(We aren't sure if the letter had anything to do with the move or not, but we were stoked!) Alaska here we come!

I quit my new job (where I had FINALLY started to make friends and fit in), we packed up our lives, left the few friends we had and started our journey. And what a journey its been!

Big Papa got to AK with our super cool dog. Myself, sweets, and the cat were soon to follow. And hopefully our furniture and things wouldn't be to far behind us. (That seems like such a ridiculous and funny thought now!)

Let's just say unpacking is going to feel like Christmas!

The Army has a program that is SUPPOSED to keep families together, especially if one member of the family has some sort of medical issue. (The thought of this makes me want to fall on the floor in hysterical laughter....what a joke!) No, it's just another reason to separate families and make spouses feel like garbage!

So like a good, compliant military family I enroll. Looking back, I should have known better!

Someone, somewhere along the way decided that because I was in the program, and had multiple sclerosis they weren't going to provide me with care in Alaska. (Some ignorant fool told Big Papa there were no neurologists in Fairbanks, ummm there were 3 all of which would take me as a patient, we called.) We were told I could go and be with Big Papa, but my medical insurance was essentially null and void. If I needed care, it came out of our pocket! Do they know what an MRI costs? Do they know what they pay my husband to support his family? Are you fucking kidding me? (Before anyone gets mouthy, yes I know I can get my own health insurance but there were other things that came into play, financially we couldn't do it without support from the military.)

So the agency that claims to be very family oriented, has separated us, and is refusing to let us be together. Why? Because the cold is bad for me. Huh? Who said that?

So Big Papa climbs the big boss chain, calls in favors and we wait. In the meantime, sweets and I go to Alaska for a vacation. (We had already bought a one way ticket, and I wasn't about to give that up.) We spent 6 weeks together and were once again separated.

Since May, Big Papa has spent less than 2 months with his wife and daughter. He has been living in an empty three bedroom home with no furniture and a dog. (That's right, he has a couch that we had to buy, a chair and a TV.) Luckily we figured we would be separate from our things for a month or so, so Big Papa hauled a few things North that he knew he would need. Sweets and I had most of our summer clothes with us, but all my winter clothes and winter shoes sit somewhere in Alabama in boxes. Did I mention Big Papa is paying nearly 2 grand to live in an empty house he thought he would share with his wife and daughter?

Sweets and I essentially moved in with my mom. The benefit? Sweets knows my mom very well and they are madly in love. Never did I think I would be living with my mom and daughter while my husband sat in an empty house with our super cool dog.

In August we learned we would have to wait until October to be reunited (some BS about the fiscal year). At that point it was only a month or so. We could do that even though we were annoyed and lonely.

October came and went. Here it is December and we just got official word. 

Sweets and I are NOT joining the boys in Alaska. Instead Big Papa is getting compassionate reassignment (just in case I get so sick and he has to take care of me). Hold on, I cant stop laughing!

So we got kicked out of Alaska because its too cold (I don't know where the person who made that decision got their MD from but whatever) and got reassigned to the lovely, beautiful, so sophisticated El Paso! (Yes, this decision makes a lot of sense...I am heat sensitive so send me to little Mexico where I can still wear tank tops year round and look like a total ass!)

So there you have it. That is the last 6 months of irritation and frustration rolled into this blog. Unlike before, I now have a few answers and so do you, so please don't ask.

I am a TODDLER, hear me ROAR!

My daughter and I have become somewhat acquainted with a park that isn't too far from my moms house. It is stroller friendly so when we go, always with my mom, we walk the path for a bit. As we walk we witness people playing tennis (which I so badly want to learn how to play), my daughter says "hiiiii" (in the sweetest voice one could produce) to every dog or child that we pass. Sometimes we partake in conversation with my mother and sometimes we just walk. We work our way to the playground where there is often a variety of other children and parents milling about. Doing the usual "hi, how old is your kid" and "I take my child to such and such and we do such and such" talk.

One of the first times we were there, this little boy not much older than my little person, walked right up to her and smacked her in the face. I waited until she cried, and the boys mother did nothing before I walked over. Of course she was fine. I think her feelings were hurt more than anything. I bent down, looked at the boy and then looked at my sweets and told her to tell him "no". She did, but not until we walked away.

A few minutes of play in another part of the playground and the little boy was back. He walked right up to her while she was among other children, and stole the binky right out of her mouth (yes she still has a binky, don't judge). Again I waited. The mother did nothing and my sweets started crying. I walked over, bent down, and told her to point at the boy and say "no, mine!". She did, when we walked away.

All the while the boys mother watched and said nothing.

Some time went by before we returned to the playground (mostly due to the circus I like to call military living). We returned this weekend and to no surprise there were many other kids at the park, many who were close to the age of mine. All the kids played side by side and chatted in their little person chatter with no problems. Out of the corner of my eye I see a woman walking up pushing a stroller. Out pops this little guy who starts heading directly for sweets (I have been trying to give her a little space while she plays). Under my breath I say "is that the same little boy from last time?" Right as that is slowly and quietly coming out of my mouth the boy grabs sweets arms and obviously squeezes. I slowly start walking over as she bursts into tears. The boys mother looks at me and says "he was trying to hug her" (oh please lady, your child squeezed her arms not attempted a hug, what the crap is a hug in your house, sheesh). Again, I bent down, looked at sweets and told her to tell the boy "no".

Of course she did, when we walked away.

I try to be as calm and realistic as I can when it comes to sweets but I have such mixed feelings of such encounters. First I want to man hate and blame it all on the men of the world. I think things like I wonder why the boys mother wasn't teaching her son proper behavior, especially toward girls (But Melissa, he was only trying to hug her. Oh right just like when the abusive husband only punches you because he loves you)? And, why do you let your child hit others without teaching them proper behavior, is it because you don't stand up for yourself? Or is it because that is the mans role in your house? Crazy right?

I wonder do we start molding them before the age of two on how to treat others? Was this boy targeting sweets because he has been molded somehow already? (Yep, I'm man hating and stereotyping, and whatever else you want to call it). I want to empower my sweets to tell people "no" when she feels necessary! I want her to stand up for herself and for what is right. Do I start that now? Right in front of bullies moms when they stand with a blank stare, or excuse the behavior because "he really meant to be nice"? Ummmm, yes, yes I do!

My next reaction is purely the mother reaction or womanly instinct. Its simple, it goes like this. Is it too early to teach her to defend herself and hit em' back?

Finally, there is the not wanting to be "that" mom reaction. It goes as follows. The boy continually hits sweets, and I need to use it as an opportunity to teach her to stand up for herself, and its totally normal little person behavior, but WE'RE LEAVING! Stupid kid, comes in here and picks on people smaller than him! What a mean, aggressive little boy! Ooooo, that mom is in soooo much trouble if she doesn't get a grip on THAT kid right now! He is so cute, but oh so mean, I see a future bully! Every time we are here he picks on her, first he smacks her face, then steals her binky, now squeezes her arm. I cant believe the mom just stood there and said nothing. I wasn't expecting an apology but at least use it as a chance to teach your little bully hitting is not ok!

 OK Melissa, stop, breathe.......
　
　
　
　
　
　

No No, Yes Yes

                                                           

Yes and No, words many adults have a hard time using and understanding.


Recently,  I found a book that teaches a few basic rules using two simple words, yes and no.  Its a children's book written by Leslie Patricelli, titled "No No Yes Yes". With a few minor changes it could easily become book many adults could learn from. Leslie Patricelli's book teaches children using very simple, illustrations. There is one where the child is yanking, shaking, and downright torturing a cat. The look on the cats face makes you wish you could jump in the book and save the poor thing. Above the picture in  large dark letters reads "No No". Turn your attention to the page on the right and you see the same child and cat enjoying the child nicely petting its fury friend. Above written in the same dark, large print you read"Yes Yes". Brilliant right? This is what is not nice, and this is what is! What a concept! (Can you hear the sarcasm in my voice?)
                                                      
Turn the page and you see a child illustrated holding what could only be a plastic toy hammer. It looks like the child wielding the toy hammer is about to smash it over his friends head. Above the illustration reading loud and clear "No No". On the right side the same child is using the toy hammer to bang plastic nails into a toy work bench. Cheerfully watching is the child who on the opposite page was about to be pummeled. Above in bold black letters "Yes Yes". What a genius concept. Pictures to teach us that No we cant beat people up, but instead we play nice with each other.

I was telling my mom about this book because my daughter loves it. She asks my husband and myself to read it over and over. We change the commentary we use to narrate the pictures to entertain ourselves and her, but always follow along with the concepts that are illustrated. We even started using no, no and yes, yes when we are trying to correct her behavior or teach her certain things are or are not for her to play with. I laughed when my mom chuckled and mentioned that she knew many adults who could benefit from such a book. What a genius idea!

The lessons in the adult version could even be similar to those in the children's book. No, no you cannot hit your friends when you get drunk or need an ego boost. Yes, yes  play nice with your friends and have a laugh. No, no don't do mean things to people and animals you love. Yes, yes give them hugs and treat them nicely. The book could even become the first of a series. Just think, gender specific. To a woman: No, no you don't need another pair of shoes. Yes, yes save the money for a nice vacation instead. To a man: No no don't leave your clothes wherever they drop in the place you happen to take them off. Yes, yes bend over, pick them up and put them in the dirty clothes hamper. A book directed at teenagers could be written too. No, no don't post every thought that crosses your mind on the internet. Yes, yes leave some thoughts as just that, thoughts and don't post too much personal information on the internet.
                      
I think as adults, we tend to make things much more difficult than they truly are. Do we really have to explain to each other that no means no? Or that its ok to say yes when someone asks if you need help? We make simple statements so difficult by over analyzing them and the situation in which the word was spat. No I don't want the credit card you are trying to bombard me with information on, or yes I would love it if you did the dishes. Those seem like such simple and easily understood statements.  Yet it seems we have a hard time with these small, easily read words. Perhaps we should pay more attention to our toddlers books and simplify things. There are certain behaviors, actions, and verbal altercations we should not participate in, and there is always an alternate action that is going to be better received by all involved, leave the actor with more integrity and pride, and would simply make people feel better.

Such simple words for what should be such simple rules, no and yes.

Temper Tantrums

My daughter has just started getting really good at throwing temper tantrums. She throws herself on the floor, tears in her eyes, screaming uncontrollably at the top of her lungs, to show me and everyone else how truly unhappy she is at a decision I have made for her. They have made me laugh, annoyed me, and even embarrassed me. I used to think children threw temper tantrums because they lacked the words to be able to express themselves. I know now that she has absolutely no problem expressing herself with or without her words. She makes it very clear when she is filled with joy, and has no problem making it well known when she is unhappy.

Then there is the teenager. I know teenagers get frustrated and stomp around, throwing themselves on their beds in disgust at anything and everything. Lets face it, they are mad at the world. They yell and scream at adults who ask them to do the simplest of things like clean their rooms or do the dishes. Recently I whispered to a teenager to please take out the trash, she stomped off crying and if looks could kill I would have dropped dead. When confronted by me as to why she was throwing a teenager temper tantrum she screamed "I am not throwing a temper tantrum but everyone is yelling at me". Huh? Yelling? I whispered, but now I am yelling!

I would be lying if I said I never threw a temper tantrum, even as an adult. My husband is often the witness to them, but recently my mother has been too. My temper tantrums don't consist of throwing myself on the floor, or bed. However, they almost always include yelling and are often followed by tears. I must also admit that I have been known to slam doors, stomp out of rooms cussing like a sailor, and probably have thrown things although I can't remember a time when I threw something at another human.

And then there are my elders. One would think that by a certain age we would stop throwing ourselves about when things don't go our way. Well a man in the grocery store proved me wrong on this one. He threw a rather intense temper tantrum while standing in the express line. It left me shaking and upset for many minutes after. I had two items over the express line amount of fifteen. This made him very unhappy and he had no problem letting me know. He hooped and hollered and called me some rather unpleasant names. Some of which made me laugh rather hysterically later, but when he brought my innocent child and my fluffy self into it, I lost it. I directed anger and hate towards him rather than ignoring his temper tantrum like I ignore most temper tantrums thrown by children. Leaving the store I am sure bystanders who only saw my reaction would assume I was the child throwing the tantrum.

This all leads me to wonder if we ever really stop throwing temper tantrums? We walk away from our children when they throw themselves on the floor with the idea we are teaching them that their tantrums are getting them nowhere, and especially are not getting them what they want. But does that teach us anything but to simply throw more sophisticated temper tantrums?

Why Oh Why?

There are people out there who are going to assume I am blogging because they inspired me to. Some might say I want to be famous for my ramblings, and others, well who knows. Everyone will draw their own conclusions as to why I am putting thoughts on "paper" for others to read.

Honestly, I am not sure why I feel the desire to blog. Maybe to reach out to family and friends when I am often so far away. Maybe because my husband doesn't talk much so I have to get my goofy thoughts out somehow. Or perhaps I just want to. Either way, I hope that I have found an outlet that I can enjoy while sitting in limbo and trying to decide where it is I want my life to go. My intentions are not to ramble about my beliefs or my daily activities, but to express myself as a woman, a military spouse, a mother, and a human. Some people garden, some people knit, some live their lives at the gym, some work work work. Me, for now, I am going to be the best Mom I can be, and blog.

I encourage any and all comments, thoughts, feedback, or your own ramblings. Lets have some fun and enjoy!