I am a TODDLER, hear me ROAR!

My daughter and I have become somewhat acquainted with a park that isn't too far from my moms house. It is stroller friendly so when we go, always with my mom, we walk the path for a bit. As we walk we witness people playing tennis (which I so badly want to learn how to play), my daughter says "hiiiii" (in the sweetest voice one could produce) to every dog or child that we pass. Sometimes we partake in conversation with my mother and sometimes we just walk. We work our way to the playground where there is often a variety of other children and parents milling about. Doing the usual "hi, how old is your kid" and "I take my child to such and such and we do such and such" talk.

One of the first times we were there, this little boy not much older than my little person, walked right up to her and smacked her in the face. I waited until she cried, and the boys mother did nothing before I walked over. Of course she was fine. I think her feelings were hurt more than anything. I bent down, looked at the boy and then looked at my sweets and told her to tell him "no". She did, but not until we walked away.

A few minutes of play in another part of the playground and the little boy was back. He walked right up to her while she was among other children, and stole the binky right out of her mouth (yes she still has a binky, don't judge). Again I waited. The mother did nothing and my sweets started crying. I walked over, bent down, and told her to point at the boy and say "no, mine!". She did, when we walked away.

All the while the boys mother watched and said nothing.

Some time went by before we returned to the playground (mostly due to the circus I like to call military living). We returned this weekend and to no surprise there were many other kids at the park, many who were close to the age of mine. All the kids played side by side and chatted in their little person chatter with no problems. Out of the corner of my eye I see a woman walking up pushing a stroller. Out pops this little guy who starts heading directly for sweets (I have been trying to give her a little space while she plays). Under my breath I say "is that the same little boy from last time?" Right as that is slowly and quietly coming out of my mouth the boy grabs sweets arms and obviously squeezes. I slowly start walking over as she bursts into tears. The boys mother looks at me and says "he was trying to hug her" (oh please lady, your child squeezed her arms not attempted a hug, what the crap is a hug in your house, sheesh). Again, I bent down, looked at sweets and told her to tell the boy "no".

Of course she did, when we walked away.

I try to be as calm and realistic as I can when it comes to sweets but I have such mixed feelings of such encounters. First I want to man hate and blame it all on the men of the world. I think things like I wonder why the boys mother wasn't teaching her son proper behavior, especially toward girls (But Melissa, he was only trying to hug her. Oh right just like when the abusive husband only punches you because he loves you)? And, why do you let your child hit others without teaching them proper behavior, is it because you don't stand up for yourself? Or is it because that is the mans role in your house? Crazy right?

I wonder do we start molding them before the age of two on how to treat others? Was this boy targeting sweets because he has been molded somehow already? (Yep, I'm man hating and stereotyping, and whatever else you want to call it). I want to empower my sweets to tell people "no" when she feels necessary! I want her to stand up for herself and for what is right. Do I start that now? Right in front of bullies moms when they stand with a blank stare, or excuse the behavior because "he really meant to be nice"? Ummmm, yes, yes I do!

My next reaction is purely the mother reaction or womanly instinct. Its simple, it goes like this. Is it too early to teach her to defend herself and hit em' back?

Finally, there is the not wanting to be "that" mom reaction. It goes as follows. The boy continually hits sweets, and I need to use it as an opportunity to teach her to stand up for herself, and its totally normal little person behavior, but WE'RE LEAVING! Stupid kid, comes in here and picks on people smaller than him! What a mean, aggressive little boy! Ooooo, that mom is in soooo much trouble if she doesn't get a grip on THAT kid right now! He is so cute, but oh so mean, I see a future bully! Every time we are here he picks on her, first he smacks her face, then steals her binky, now squeezes her arm. I cant believe the mom just stood there and said nothing. I wasn't expecting an apology but at least use it as a chance to teach your little bully hitting is not ok!

 OK Melissa, stop, breathe.......
　
　
　
　
　
　

No No, Yes Yes

                                                           

Yes and No, words many adults have a hard time using and understanding.


Recently,  I found a book that teaches a few basic rules using two simple words, yes and no.  Its a children's book written by Leslie Patricelli, titled "No No Yes Yes". With a few minor changes it could easily become book many adults could learn from. Leslie Patricelli's book teaches children using very simple, illustrations. There is one where the child is yanking, shaking, and downright torturing a cat. The look on the cats face makes you wish you could jump in the book and save the poor thing. Above the picture in  large dark letters reads "No No". Turn your attention to the page on the right and you see the same child and cat enjoying the child nicely petting its fury friend. Above written in the same dark, large print you read"Yes Yes". Brilliant right? This is what is not nice, and this is what is! What a concept! (Can you hear the sarcasm in my voice?)
                                                      
Turn the page and you see a child illustrated holding what could only be a plastic toy hammer. It looks like the child wielding the toy hammer is about to smash it over his friends head. Above the illustration reading loud and clear "No No". On the right side the same child is using the toy hammer to bang plastic nails into a toy work bench. Cheerfully watching is the child who on the opposite page was about to be pummeled. Above in bold black letters "Yes Yes". What a genius concept. Pictures to teach us that No we cant beat people up, but instead we play nice with each other.

I was telling my mom about this book because my daughter loves it. She asks my husband and myself to read it over and over. We change the commentary we use to narrate the pictures to entertain ourselves and her, but always follow along with the concepts that are illustrated. We even started using no, no and yes, yes when we are trying to correct her behavior or teach her certain things are or are not for her to play with. I laughed when my mom chuckled and mentioned that she knew many adults who could benefit from such a book. What a genius idea!

The lessons in the adult version could even be similar to those in the children's book. No, no you cannot hit your friends when you get drunk or need an ego boost. Yes, yes  play nice with your friends and have a laugh. No, no don't do mean things to people and animals you love. Yes, yes give them hugs and treat them nicely. The book could even become the first of a series. Just think, gender specific. To a woman: No, no you don't need another pair of shoes. Yes, yes save the money for a nice vacation instead. To a man: No no don't leave your clothes wherever they drop in the place you happen to take them off. Yes, yes bend over, pick them up and put them in the dirty clothes hamper. A book directed at teenagers could be written too. No, no don't post every thought that crosses your mind on the internet. Yes, yes leave some thoughts as just that, thoughts and don't post too much personal information on the internet.
                      
I think as adults, we tend to make things much more difficult than they truly are. Do we really have to explain to each other that no means no? Or that its ok to say yes when someone asks if you need help? We make simple statements so difficult by over analyzing them and the situation in which the word was spat. No I don't want the credit card you are trying to bombard me with information on, or yes I would love it if you did the dishes. Those seem like such simple and easily understood statements.  Yet it seems we have a hard time with these small, easily read words. Perhaps we should pay more attention to our toddlers books and simplify things. There are certain behaviors, actions, and verbal altercations we should not participate in, and there is always an alternate action that is going to be better received by all involved, leave the actor with more integrity and pride, and would simply make people feel better.

Such simple words for what should be such simple rules, no and yes.

Temper Tantrums

My daughter has just started getting really good at throwing temper tantrums. She throws herself on the floor, tears in her eyes, screaming uncontrollably at the top of her lungs, to show me and everyone else how truly unhappy she is at a decision I have made for her. They have made me laugh, annoyed me, and even embarrassed me. I used to think children threw temper tantrums because they lacked the words to be able to express themselves. I know now that she has absolutely no problem expressing herself with or without her words. She makes it very clear when she is filled with joy, and has no problem making it well known when she is unhappy.

Then there is the teenager. I know teenagers get frustrated and stomp around, throwing themselves on their beds in disgust at anything and everything. Lets face it, they are mad at the world. They yell and scream at adults who ask them to do the simplest of things like clean their rooms or do the dishes. Recently I whispered to a teenager to please take out the trash, she stomped off crying and if looks could kill I would have dropped dead. When confronted by me as to why she was throwing a teenager temper tantrum she screamed "I am not throwing a temper tantrum but everyone is yelling at me". Huh? Yelling? I whispered, but now I am yelling!

I would be lying if I said I never threw a temper tantrum, even as an adult. My husband is often the witness to them, but recently my mother has been too. My temper tantrums don't consist of throwing myself on the floor, or bed. However, they almost always include yelling and are often followed by tears. I must also admit that I have been known to slam doors, stomp out of rooms cussing like a sailor, and probably have thrown things although I can't remember a time when I threw something at another human.

And then there are my elders. One would think that by a certain age we would stop throwing ourselves about when things don't go our way. Well a man in the grocery store proved me wrong on this one. He threw a rather intense temper tantrum while standing in the express line. It left me shaking and upset for many minutes after. I had two items over the express line amount of fifteen. This made him very unhappy and he had no problem letting me know. He hooped and hollered and called me some rather unpleasant names. Some of which made me laugh rather hysterically later, but when he brought my innocent child and my fluffy self into it, I lost it. I directed anger and hate towards him rather than ignoring his temper tantrum like I ignore most temper tantrums thrown by children. Leaving the store I am sure bystanders who only saw my reaction would assume I was the child throwing the tantrum.

This all leads me to wonder if we ever really stop throwing temper tantrums? We walk away from our children when they throw themselves on the floor with the idea we are teaching them that their tantrums are getting them nowhere, and especially are not getting them what they want. But does that teach us anything but to simply throw more sophisticated temper tantrums?